Musings of a Mental Patient

As I sit and wonder about the past.

And think about the future.

I get sad.

I have children that cannot stand me.

Cannot stand to listen to my voice.

Cannot stand to hear me breathe.

Cannot stand to see me.

Unless they need something.

And  until something better comes along they will tolerate me.

There is nothing I can do to change this.

Except to stop breathing, talking and being.

I'm not ready yet.

My heart hurts daily.

Hourly.

Minute by minute.

And it comes across that I am in a bad mood.

I guess next time, I should just walk away.

Say no.

Be cold.

I can change the way I react/act.

I can say no.

I can say this is enough.

I can make a life for me.

I can make my heart hard so that when they say things, they will not know whether it hurts me or not.

I will not cry.

I will go on.

This is not a pity party.

It is just a fact of  my life.

I lost again

You know those days when every which way you turn something is happening that is not according to your schedule?
I have those often anymore. So I'm trying to open my hands and just deal with it. Let it go.

On my way home I turn the radio on to usually mellow music to unwind from a crazy hectic day that seems to be happening EVERY day lately.

My car has it's own phone number. When someone calls that number, it stops my radio.

The person that had my car's number didn't pay her bills. Her name is Mary. I don't remember the last name.

Yesterday, some idiot calls and asks for Mary. I reply, you have the wrong number, please remove it from your data base. Thanks.

Idiot starts yapping telling me I am Mary.

Sir, you have the wrong number.

I hang up.

He hits redial.

I disconnect.

He hits redial 3 more times.

I even stop and get out at FedEx to drop off packages.

He hits redial 3 more times.

I disconnect every time.

I am almost home, he calls again.

I answer and by this time I am pissed to no end: Hey stupid moron, you have the wrong number! Quit calling me!

He says: NO! I have right numba, YOU have wrong person! We file legal action on you, Mary!

ME: Can I speak to your manager?

Idiot: Hewo? Hewo? You still there?  Hewo

Me: Stop calling me.

Idiot: I call you wots now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I lose it. I am screamin: Stop callin me You 'effin Moron!

I disconnect.

I do not know how to turn this phone off.

I am being harassed by several people over this girl's bills.

I called OnStar and had the phone number changed.

Hopefully it won't be someone's old number that didn't pay their bills.

I am really really trying to quit saying the F bomb.

I lost the battle with the Devil.

He pushed and exploded.

I lost yesterday.

But today is a new day.

I will try again.

Hugs!

The Christian Atheist

This is a fantastic book. It is really hitting close to home with me. I hope you can try it out.

The Christian Atheist

Hugs!

Dove chocolate sayings

You are exactly where you are suppose to be!

Your smile brightens the whole room!!

The fastest way to my heart is chocolate!!

Go grab some Dove chocolates and see if they don't just brighten your day!

The dark chocolate are the very best!

Hugs!

How do we. . .?

How do we stop feeling like we are not good enough?

How do we stop wanting someone to love us as we are?

How do we love ourselves enough that these thoughts do not matter but not so much that we become conceited?

How do we strive to do our best but it is never quite right?

How do we stop these feelings of inadequacy?

How do we measure up to ourselves and the ones we love?

As parents, friends, lovers, and children, where is the balance?

Some days

You know that feeling of some days it just might be better to have stayed in bed?

Kinda the way I have felt this past week.

Went to Minnesota to visit some wonderful customers and have come back worn out! I loved it, felt more like a vacation than a business trip, but I just can't seem to get moving with any kind of motivation this week.

Hopefully next week will be even better!

Cheers!

Wishin' on Someone Else's Star

I hear this song the other day.

I just love it.

I used to think that was me.

I would wish I had a life like someone else, or I just wanted to BE someone else.

I wanted this and I wanted that, why couldn't I have all that I asked for?

I always wanted to get married, have 6 kids, and be happy.

I got everything I asked for:

I married, albeit 4 times

I was pregnant 6 times

I am content which is much better than happy.

So when I heard this song on Saturday, I thought: Wonder what in MY life someone else would like to have?

Singleness?

Great job?

Great Boss?

AWESOME CAR?

Low house payment?

Kids?

Dogs?

Friends?

What is great about YOUR life?

What might someone be wishing for on YOUR star?